If you're a parent and you suspect that your son may be involved in or engaging with incel (involuntary celibate) culture or content, it can be difficult and worrying to know what to do. The beliefs and attitudes associated with incel communities can have a negative impact on a young person's mental health, relationships, and view of the world. However, with the right support and guidance, it’s possible to help your son understand his feelings and make positive changes.
In the Republic of Ireland, services like Jigsaw (the National Centre for Youth Mental Health) offer support for young people aged 12-25 who are dealing with mental health issues, including feelings of isolation or frustration. You can contact Jigsaw at www.jigsaw.ie for advice and resources. Barnardos www.barnardos.ie. (a children’s charity) provides family support services that may help parents and young people manage challenges related to mental health or difficult behaviours.
1. Recognise the Signs
First, it's important to understand what incel culture involves. If your son is involved in this movement, he may express frustration about his inability to form romantic or sexual relationships. He might have negative views of women, often blaming them for his lack of success. You may notice increased feelings of anger, hopelessness, or resentment toward certain social groups (particularly women or "Chads" and "Stacys" – terms used within the incel community to describe attractive people). He might spend a lot of time online, engaging with forums or social media platforms that support these views.
2. Have an Open and Non-Judgmental Conversation
The most important thing you can do is start a conversation. Try to approach the topic with empathy, showing that you care about his well-being. Avoid sounding critical or judgmental. Instead of confronting him directly about being an "incel," ask open-ended questions about how he’s feeling, what he thinks about relationships, and how he sees himself.
For example, you might say:"I've noticed you seem frustrated about your relationships. Do you want to talk about what's going on?"
This kind of open, non-judgmental dialogue can help your son feel heard and understood, which may make him more open to discussing his feelings and beliefs.
3. Challenge Negative Beliefs
If your son begins to express views aligned with incel ideologies, gently challenge those ideas by asking him to think critically. Ask questions like:
"Do you think all women are really the same?"
"What makes someone 'worthy' of love?"
"Why do you think you're not able to form relationships?"
By encouraging him to question these negative beliefs, you can help him see that his frustration doesn’t have to define his worldview. It’s important to teach him that relationships are complex, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution.
4. Encourage Healthy Social Connections
Encourage your son to engage in activities that help build his self-esteem and social skills. Joining a sports team, a youth group, or volunteering can be a great way for him to meet new people in a positive, supportive environment. Sometimes, incels feel isolated because they don’t know how to make friends or talk to others. Helping him find spaces where he can connect with people who share his interests can help improve his confidence.
5. Seek Professional Help
If you feel that your son’s involvement in the incel community is causing serious emotional distress or if he’s showing signs of depression, anxiety, or anger issues, it may be time to seek professional support. Speaking to a therapist, counselor, or psychologist can be a valuable step in helping him navigate his feelings.
6. Report Harmful Content
If your son is being exposed to harmful online content that promotes incel culture or extreme beliefs, it’s important to address this by discussing the dangers of such groups. You can also help him find safer online spaces and websites that promote healthier discussions about relationships and personal growth. Ireland has resources like Webwise (a service by the PDST – Professional Development Service for Teachers), which offers guidance for parents on internet safety and online behaviour. Their website is www.webwise.ie.
If you believe your son is involved in incel culture, it’s important to act with care and understanding. By having open conversations, challenging harmful beliefs, and seeking professional support when needed, you can help him build a healthier, more positive outlook on relationships and life. The right support networks and resources are available in Ireland, and with your help, your son can overcome these challenges and develop a more balanced view of himself and others.